English Question

Introduction: You have a strong
summary but try to include more specific details form the novel (like
character or company names). The thesis is almost there. Be more
specific. What are the dangers of genetic modification? Try something
like this: “Thus, Atwood in Oryx and Crake shows readers the dangers of
genetic modification in humans through the threatened existence of human
life and the creation of a new species, which can be problematic
because it leads to….”
Body Paragraphs: in the topic sentences,
push yourself to acknowledge the book as well as the danger you talk
about. So, for the first one, you could say something like “In the
novel, …..shows the reader that genetic modification threatens the
existence of the humans.” You offer a lot of interesting ideas about
these topics, but make sure to ground them immediately in the text
(given that this essay focuses on the novel as its primary source).
Right now, it seems like you are making a grand argument about science
in general with only passing thoughts on the novel. Flip that. You want
to really focus in on the book itself. So, after the topic sentence,
provide only one sentence of commentary before bringing in the novel and
your evidence from that. Readers are more interested in your analysis
of the novel (for this essay), than of any general commentary on genetic
engineering. The second paragraph does this the best.
Conclusion:
This is the only place you can talk about today’s society. You have a
body paragraph before it that starts to do this. You should only have
ONE paragraph talking about a connection to our world outside of the
book.

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